Everyone who has ever loved, has been hurt. Sadly, those who have never been hurt in a relationship, have probably never learned to love, and never allowed themselves to become vulnerable. Love by nature and definition is the giving of oneself to another. As hard as it is for us to face, true love is a gamble. That, my friend, is what makes it precious and golden. If we could wave a magic wand and suddenly cause love and loving to be made easy and risk free, it would be cheepened and very unfulfilling. With these thoughts in mind we can now proceed to scrutinize the answer to the question: "Once I have been hurt, how do I open my heart again?"
Pain! Pain closed it? Rejection, misunderstanding, unappreciation, mistrust, out and out abuse, and even death can shut your heart.
That may seem like such an obvious answer to the average person. The truth is, pain is manifest in different ways in different people. The reason I start here is because the ever present memory of this pain is going to be the greatest obstacle in the way of opening up again. But let's remember, pain is present for a reason. It is sending us a message about ourselves and showing us that something is amiss.
There was a person in my life once that I loved deeply. And the reason I loved her so intensley was because I had risked opening up to her completely. That gamble brought us close for a time, but I never quite opened up totally. That intensified her own insecurities and a need to control me. This caused pain deep inside me. A pain so intense that I withdrew from further control and rejection, and the relationship disintergrated. What closed my heart was ultimate rejection and loss of trust and intimacy. Far too many debilitating memories from my past were triggered and my own maladjusted patterns of dealing with pain caused me to turn on the one I thought was hurting me.
Look at your situation(s). Look at it honestly. What closed your heart? What were you and are you protecting yourself from?
One of the greatest dangers in life is that we repeat the exact same mistakes over and over again in our significant relationships. One of the most basic definitions of insanity is doing the same things again and again and expecting different results. It isn't enough to acknowledge what it was that closed your heart, you must then learn from that pain. It was Euripides the great philosopher who once said that "we pay a high price for being intelligent. Wisdom hurts."
I learned two things about myself from the heart closing experience I described above. Number one, I have a compelling need to open up and share myself with someone in an intimate manner. Nothing ever felt more complete. But, on the other hand, the second thing I learned was that I abhor feeling as though I am being manipulated and controlled. If I was to ever open my heart again I knew that it would have to be with someone who was secure in themselves to the point that they don't need to control me.
Again, look at your life. Take a good look at the heart closer and learn from it. Don't go right out and make the exact same mistake again. But instead...
Once you have determined what you need and don't need, as well as what you can offer and cannot offer, proceed with caution. There are a lot of people who have no clue about themselves. In order to have a significant person in their lives they will temporarily become what they think you need. But it won't last because they aren't being true to themselves.
If you have honestly answered the first two quesitons then you are ready and should be confident enough to move forward. But don't settle for second best or you will have the same results again. Take the time to get past the masks that we all wear for protection and learn more about yourself and other people. Many people will do one of two things. They will either go out and find someone just like the person who closed their hearts or they will go out and find someone who is the total opposite. Proceed with caution. Just open your heart with someone who is neither extreme.
If you have made it this far you are probably wondering, "Why should I open my heart up to someone? It will just mean more pain." To which I assert, "Yes, that is possible." Because of her thirst for life and understanding, one of my all time favorite persons is Helen Keller. Ms. Keller once said, "Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold" (Let Us Have Faith, 1940).
Someone else once said, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." That's it! That is what makes love so special. Love is special because it doesn't come easy and if it does, it won't stay with the same ease. Love is a decision, a commitment, and requires a strong determination. Please notice that I did not say that love is a feeling. Love provides many powerful feelings, but if what you have had in the past was based on a feeling then it was not love at all.
In spite of the pain that I have experienced in my life, I have golden treasures from the love that I have experienced. They are treasures that neither time nor any person can take from me. If you can look down inside yourself and see the joy and warmth that you shared at one time and know that it can be even better, even if you don't feel it now, you will start to open up your heart once again. Love is worth the risk. Just don't repeat the same mistakes. My mistake was in reacting to pain with distance, hatefulness, and even dishonesty. I've learned to deal with pain now with the truth-- regardless of the results.
Adversity and pain are part of everyone's life. How you deal with that pain is determined in your own heart. We are the ones who consciously determine which way we will go. To paraphrase Ella Wheeler Wilcox's poem, "The Winds of Fate:"
One ship sails east
One ship sails west
Regardless of how the winds blow.
It is the set of the sail
And not the gale
That determines the way we go. You will begin to open your heart again when you understand your pain and when you have learned vital lessons from your pain. Your heart will open as you proceed with your eyes wide open. But most importantly, you will begin to open your heart again when you realize that love is a very precious commodity that is worth pursuing, cherishing, and taking a chance on.
I dedicate this page to someone I love most..... my mom!
